On Troubles, Secrets and The Things I Think About When I Go for My Walks

I walked a lot over the weekend. All in all, I would say that I walked somewhere in the ballpark of twenty miles. It was a walking weekend.

I walk when I need to process. Being out in the world makes it easier for my mind to mull over all of the things I need to tackle in order to remain at an acceptable level of sanity. And these days I have a lot to tackle. My brain’s been on overload so I took it for a walk.

Here are some of the things that drifted across the sea of my consciousness this weekend.

In the sixteenth century, hymens were very important. The irony, however, is that there was really no way to tell if a woman was intact. The only way to determine if a future (or current) queen still had her maidenhead was to take it. I’ve been watching The Tudors.

I’ll never have enough money.

The shuffle feature on my iPod is a great way to discover new music that I already own.

The caste system of India intrigues me. There seems to be something to the idea that you can not rise above your station. I feel that I live in a karmic caste system in which I am fated to be that same guy until I finally bite it.

Doing the wrong thing will only make me feel worse.

It’s perfectly acceptable to be selfish if that’s what it will take to keep me sane. At the end of the day, I can only really worry about my own happiness.

Knowing something that I can not repeat is awful. It’s especially awful when that news will devastate someone. It’s tearing me up inside.

Young fathers are just too damn sexy.

Facebook is depressing. I’ve been a member for a little over a week and I just keep coming across old friends who are married and having kids. In the meantime, I am spending my weekends wandering the streets of Chicago trying to determine what the hell I am doing with myself.

Walking for so long makes my feet hurt.

On Martha, Surveys and Being Saved by Not Having to Come Up with an Original Post

Today’s post is brought to you by the incomparable Martha. She has tagged me to answer a little survey, and I am happy to do so. For one thing, I never try and get out of my survey responsibilities. For another, I don’t have anything better to write about at the moment. Thus I gladly accept her challenge and offer you a bunch of useless junk.

Martha has saved the day (as she has so often done for me before).

What’s your current obsession?
Other than obsessing over when Martha is going to pop out a kid, there are three major things that are currently plaguing my mind. Two of those things are not to be mentioned here (yes, I do have a small censor on myself). The third thing is whether or not the Gossip Girl season finale will live up to my expectations. That may seem trivial to most of you, but for a boy like me it really is something to obsess over.

What keeps you going when days are hard?
Chocolate is never a bad option. Coffee works well too. A hug can do the trick. A good laugh is good medicine. It’s really the simple things that make all the difference

What are you wearing today?
I’ve got on my grey suit. I’ve taken to pairing it with brown shirts. At first I thought it would look awful, but I’ve come to love the combination. It works, but it’s not expected. It gives me a little fashion edge.

Why is today special?
I don’t recall saying that today is special. I suppose, however, that a cheery person would think every day is special simply because it exists and he is alive to see it.

What would you like to learn to do?
I’d love to master the arts of holding on to money and letting go of fat. If that can not happen, I’d settle for a class in breaking down emotional walls.

What’s for dinner today?
Can I please just get through lunch first?

What’s the last thing you bought?
I bought some running shorts. I also wanted to get a pair of running pants, but that’s just not in the cards. In order for them to fit me at the waist, I have to get a fairly large size. The problem is that I then end up with really long pants. It sucks to be short and round.

What’s your favorite weather?
I love a cool crisp October day when the sky is blue and you can see for miles. Throw in some autumnal leaves and I’m in heaven.

What’s your most challenging goal right now?
Remember those two things I said I could not talk about at the beginning of this survey? Well, I still can’t talk about them now, Nosey Rosie.

What do you think about the person who tagged you?
Martha’s amazing! She’s a loyal friend. She’s one of the hardest working people I know. Her personal and work ethics are enviable. I’ve seen her trudge through adversity and come out of it all the better for having trudged. The girl is a winner!

If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
This is a tough one. I love Chicago. I love Portland. And I certainly love my family, all of whom live in California. What’s a boy to do? A house would be great, but it would also be pointless if I wasn’t able to share it with people I love. In other words, I’m a greedy brat and I want three houses. And can you throw in a jet?

What is your favorite vacation spot?
Quite frankly, I don’t have one. For me, it’s all about the experience. Give me a few friends and a plane ticket and I’m there. The destination is almost secondary to the company.

What would you like to have in your hands right now?
A credit card with no limits and no payments would be handy.

What would you like to get rid of?
I’d love to dump about sixty pounds or so. I also wouldn’t mind getting rid of my nemesis. Either one would do in a pinch.

If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
This is going to sound insanely sappy, but I’d settle for being curled up in bed with a certain someone. We wouldn’t even have to speak. It would just be nice to be close.

What’s your favorite thing about the city you live in?
There is always something to do in Chicago. If you live in Chicago and are bored, you are just not trying very hard.

If you had $150 now what would you spend it on?
I’d buy lunch for my coworkers. It’s been a rough few hours here in the office.

If and when you buy a magazine at the airport, what do you buy?
I buy something trashy that’s not going to tax my brain too much. I tend not to really read much at the airport. I’m far too interested in people watching to care about some silly magazine.

Describe your personal style.
I like to think of myself as a casual kind of guy. And yet, I tend to wear more colors than most men. I guess that makes me colorfully casual.

Whose art show would you want tickets to?
There’s this guy I once knew who was an artist. If he were to ever have a show, I’d kill a nun for tickets. I’m not that interested in his art. I’d just want to be there to see him. And I would want him to see me. And then I would want everyone else to see the sparks fly!

What are three live shows that you have seen?
I’ve seen a lot of live shows. I’ve been to concerts. I’ve been to theater. I’ve even been to strip clubs. I’ve seen Madonna at least three times. Most recently, I’ve seen Britney Spears. I also recently saw The Tempest at Steppenwolf Theater.

Thanks for once again saving my butt, Martha.

On The Field Museum, Childhood and The Most Romantic Day I’ve had in a Very Long Time

We were wandering through the Plants of the World exhibit at the Field Museum. That particular section of the museum, with its displays that dated back decades, was darker and quieter than most areas. It appears that kids today are neither drawn to plants nor to displays that are not interactive and computerized.

We thought we were alone. He moved in for a kiss and, at the last second, pulled away. An elderly couple had come in behind us, quietly studying the dioramas of the carnivorous plants of Africa.

I had never been to the Field Museum before Sunday. He grew up in Chicago and had spent a great many days wandering its halls. As we explored the exhibits over the weekend, he would point out places where he’d sat to eat lunch as a kid. He’d recall facts that had fascinated his young mind. He’d reminisce about what the museum had been like all those years ago.

Listening to his stories, I couldn’t help but feel close to him. I could easily picture him studiously making his way through the replica of an Egyptian tomb, his imagination transforming the concrete walls into real tunnels of sandstone. I became excited by his memories. I felt as if I too were being transported in time to a point in my life when visiting the Dinosaur Hall would have filled me with genuine awe.

We spent a good chunk of our rainy Sunday at the museum. We brushed against each other as we read certain displays. We secretly clasped hands while being jostled by the crowds at the popular Real Pirates exhibit. We exchanged glances and we shared moments.  But we never kissed.

And yet, it was one of the most romantic days I’ve had in a very long time.

By the time we got home, we were soggy from the rain and tired from all of the walking we had done. We curled into bed and, as the rain tapped out its music on the window, he fell asleep in my arms. I held him as he gently snored and I once again marveled at how lucky I am.

It was not only one of the most romantic days I’ve had in a very long time, but also one of the happiest.

On The Biggest Loser, Inspiration and My Own Weight Loss Game

I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser lately. I mainly watch it because someone who now spends a lot of time on my couch watches it. And so we watch it together.

I kind of like this show. I also kind of hate this show.

I like this show because it really does allow contestants to better themselves in a very tangible way. They learn a lot about their bodies. They begin to see that they really are capable of extremely transformative change. The change that comes over the contestants on The Biggest Loser is truly remarkable. And I am not just talking about the outward changes in their bodies.

I hate this show because, while there is good being done, it still boils down to silly game playing. The contestants need to form alliances and participate in challenges to ensure that they remain on the show. I know this is just the nature of reality television, but when someone’s health is at stake, it just strikes me as all the more petty and low.

And yet I am mostly able to overlook what I hate about the show because it’s so inspirational to see these people lose hundreds of pounds. They really are completely changing their lives. That’s undeniable.

And it all makes me want to lose weight. This, of course, is nothing new. But when I see someone who weighs in at over 300 pounds literally work his ass off, I know that I have no excuse. That’s another thing I hate about this show. It makes me see myself for the fat slob I tend to be. I can sit on my couch eating Easter candy while watching The Biggest Loser or I can start doing what I know is right for me and my body.

That guy who sits on my couch these days has done it. He’s still doing it. I see him make the right choices and I envy him. I gain inspiration from him. I know that if he can do, I can do it.

My change will not be as drastic as those seen on The Biggest Loser. I have no delusions that I’ll lose a hundred pounds over the next month. I know there will be days I’ll slip and eat that piece of cake that’s calling my name. But that’s all a part of my game. My weight loss is not about ratings. It’s about me. It’s about finding that healthy lifestyle that I can manage.

I have The Biggest Loser for inspiration. I have that guy on my couch for inspiration. And I have myself for inspiration. I think that’s really all I need to finally do this.

Watch out world, a new biggest loser is in the works.

On Sun, Looks and My Newfound Role as the Happy Guy

Over the last few days, I’ve had more than one person ask me if I’ve gotten sun. I find this inquiry a little comical considering we haven’t seen much of the sun here in Chicago as of late. We’ve seen lots of clouds. We’ve seen some rain. We’ve even seen some snow. Sun has not been on the agenda, however.

When I inform the inquirer that I have indeed not gotten any sun, they tell me that I look fresh. I look healthy. One person even told me that I look robust.

My first instinct upon hearing these comments is to worry. Whenever someone asks me this, it makes me feel like maybe I generally don’t look fresh. I must usually look unhappy. I suppose I tend to look the opposite of robust. I’m not exactly sure what the opposite of robust is, but I’m fairly certain I’d rather not look it.

After this initial wave of worry passes, I calm down. I take a deep breath. I realize why others may notice a change in my outward appearance.

I’m happy.

Believe it or not (for a hardly do myself), but as of this Sunday I will have been seeing the same man for exactly one month. That means that I am technically in the midst of the third longest romantic relationship of my life. And as one friend put it to me the other night, very few people deserve this kind of happiness as much as I.

I don’t mean to suggest that other people don’t deserve happiness. I just mean that I have been searching for it for so long. I’ve gone on countless dates. I’ve thrown myself to the lions time and time again. I’ve suffered many a fool. And yet, even at my darkest of dark hours, I never really gave up. I just kept plugging away. And finally, after so many awful awful years of meeting awful awful men, my hard work seems to be paying off.

Oh, what a feeling!

And so I suppose I may be looking a bit rosier than usual. There is bound to be a little more bounce in my step. It’s no surprise that I look happier now than I did a few months ago.

I mean, I am happier. I’m a lot happier. And I’m kind of excited that the world is taking notice. It’s about time I was recognized for more than my sardonic wit and my tendency to be a bitch. I’m okay with being the happy guy for now.

I’m also okay with the regular amounts of sex that come along with this newfound happy glow.