On Secrets, Questions and Sleeping in the Closet

Stop me if I’ve told you this one before.

(That, as it turns out, is a very real concern. I honestly have a hard time recalling what I have and have not written about. As the lifespan of this blog increases, so does the likelihood that someday I’ll repeat a post. It’s bound to happen. I apologize in advance.)

I was sitting at a dingy bar in Portland having a beer with a guy I didn’t know all that well. He was new to town. He didn’t know anyone. Out of the kindness of my heart, I offered to take him out and show him around.

It didn’t hurt that he was kind of cute. It also didn’t hurt that I thought he might be gay.

As we sat downing drinks at our third bar of the night, the guy leaned over and told me that he had to tell me a secret. My heart skipped a beat. Was he going to tell me that he’s gay? I leaned closer in anticipation.

“When I first moved here, my furniture had not arrived yet.” He took a sip of his beer. “I had to sleep on the floor.”

None of this seemed like a particularly juicy secret, but I encouraged him to continue.

“I wasn’t comfortable sleeping on the floor in the bedroom. It’s just too spacious and it feels odd. So I started sleeping in the closet.”

I put my beer down. This was getting better by the second.

“My furniture arrived last week, but I still don’t sleep in my bed. I still sleep in the closet.”

I tried not to lick my lips or furrow my brow.

“I guess I’m just more comfortable in the closet.” He took a swig from his glass. That was the end of his secret.

I didn’t know how to respond. I wasn’t exactly sure what he had just told me. Had he just confessed that he’s gay and living in the closet? Or had he simply told me that he likes to sleep on the floor of his closet?

After an awkward moment or two, I proceeded with the conversation. I decided to act as if I was clueless to the possibility that my drinking buddy may be gay. I gave him advice on how to get back into his bed. I told him that women would not want to come over if they had to do it in his closet.

To this day I don’t know for sure what that conversation was about. I do know that this guy ended up dating a woman. I also know that we spent a lot of time together and it often felt like we were dating.

I don’t talk to him any longer. I don’t actually think of him often. But every once in a while I look back on that night and wonder if I missed a rare opportunity. I don’t think I could have loved this guy, but I could have maybe helped him out of his closet.

And I may have also gotten to test out his bed with him.