On Yelling, Stereotypes and A Message to the “Straight-Acting” Gay Men of the World
Following up on yesterday’s post about coming out of the closet and letting rainbows fly freely from my mouth at any given moment, I’d like to share a little something I hate about gay men. And I’d like to share it loudly. So I am going to yell. If this offends you, please cover your ears.
IF YOU ARE GAY, YOU CAN NOT BE “STRAIGHT-ACTING!” YOU ARE EITHER GAY OR YOU ARE STRAIGHT! THERE IS NO ACTING INVOLVED! BE WHO YOU ARE! LET OTHERS BE WHO THEY ARE! NOW GET OFF YOUR STINKING HIGH HORSE AND GO SUCK SOME DICK, MARY!
Man, that felt good.
Now that I’ve gotten the yelling out of the way, let me take a more rational approach to the subject.
I find it rather offensive and completely narrow-minded when gay men refer to themselves as “straight-acting.” For those who are not in the know on this one, a gay man who is “straight-acting” is a gay man who is not stereotypically gay. He doesn’t like dance music. He doesn’t speak with a lisp. His wrists are never ever limp. He wears flannel and has a deep voice. And, apparently, he doesn’t really care for himself or the gay community all that much.
Please notice the use of the word “stereotypically” in the paragraph above. There are no character traits that define homosexuality. There are also no character traits that define heterosexuality. Some straight men like dance music. Some straight men speak with lisps. Some straight men don’t have the world’s deepest voices. And yet, those men are straight.
So are those men “gay-acting” straight men?
What defines sexuality is sex. If you are a man who is attracted to men, you are gay. You can try and shed yourself of every last stereotypically gay characteristic you can think of, but if you like the feel of a big strong man kissing you at night, you are still gay. And claiming that you act like a straight man only makes it seem that you have some deep issues about your own sexuality. You may want to look into getting those resolved at some point.
I personally don’t care if I am man is masculine or not. I just care that a man is himself without trying to make excuses for it. And I also care that a man is himself without passive-aggressively implying there is something wrong with being gay. I especially care about that last part if the man in question just happens to be a homo.
And frankly, no “straight-acting” man who has had my member in his mouth has ever fooled me.
gads
volumes of papers have been written on this topic.
I concur with you what is ultimately disturbing about these sorts is their fear and their lack of self.
These sorts eventually decide enough is enough – or implode.
A few dig in their trenches and make others miserable. It is these sorts I worry about.
There’s an episode of sex and the city where Charlotte dates a ‘gay straight man.’ This is very clearly distinguished from ’straight gay.’ I believe it is also distinguished from ‘gay gay’ and ’straight straight.’
Highly complex! Charlotte breaks up with him because he’s more afraid of a mouse than she is.
Your post made me think of this….
Very good blog today, but so many of your blogs are interesting.
I remember talking to a guy on line who purported himself to be str8 or bi or gay curious or whatever. We talked for a while and I responsed “heheheheh” to something he said that I thought was funny.
He immediately came back with something like “Sorry, that turned me off. It sounded too gay”. Now remember, this is on line in a chat room, just the letters dancing across the screen, no sound, no emoticons, just letters and words and punctuation and the occasional “hehehehe”.
I came back with “how many kids do you have?” He responded “none, why”. I said “I have one, sorry, you’re too gay for me, too, asshole”.
And that ended that.
Yes I am a member of the board “D*talounge” and hear a LOT about straight-acting on there.
You hit the nail on the head my friend.
Be who you are, and Let it be.
What fascinates me about this area of things is that that the societal image of what connotes homosexuality has become so huge (IMO) that there is almost nothing that *doesn’t* count as culturally gay in some way.
Sure, obviously “effeminate” behavior is seen as gay, but so might extreme overt masculinity be, like wrestling (and all athletics by extension). A gay man has to dress decently because all men are expected to dress decently — but he can’t risk being *too* well-groomed. Any male who is in the untouchable fringes of society — the nation’s emos, dorks, and fatties — might be accused of being gay (on the sole grounds that they aren’t chick magnets). But at the same time, every major area of popularity/celebrity has major gay connotations to — acting is gay, singing is gay, dancing is gay. Everyone knows that Democrats are gay because of their politics, and that Republicans are closeted. All major religious leaders, (especially the conservative ones) are gay.
If a man, gay or straight, wants to avoid appearing gay, what can he possibly do? Manual labor → muscled men working with their hands → GAY. White collar accountant → attention to detail → OCD → various neurotic issues including GAY. (Admittedly, that one is maybe more of a 19050’s/60’s stereotype, but it exists somewhat today, especially in relation to the “Republican” one I mentioned earlier.) Facial hair → counterculture → GAY. It’s insane and I love it.
To a lesser extent, I imagine lesbianism has a similar paradox — for example, if the members of a lesbian couple are *too* effeminate, for example, they might be seen as trying to fulfill the fantasies of straight men.
(The one exception that came to my mind writing this is that, interestingly, even though long hair is associated with women, I’ve never seen it associated with homosexuality. So a long-haired man can be safely understood to be a hippie. But that’s about it.)
Okay guys, here’s the deal. “Straight-acting” is problematic, but “masculine” isn’t. Masculine gay men love all things masculine: athletes, cowboys, tradesmen, policemen, military trade, frat/college boys, etc. They love the gym, they love muscle, they love sports, they love the locker room, they love the world of men.
This is not self-hating or homophobic. This is just what gives them a hard-on. Masculine: The dick goes up. Effeminate: The dick goes down. Effeminate men are even more divided. Some want masculine boyfriends, while others like flamboyant ones such as themselves.
All minorities have internal divisions. Lesbians and gay men don’t always see eye to eye. Lighter-skinned and darker-skinned blacks don’t always like each other. Feminists used to call lesbians the Lavender Menace. “Asian,” “Latino,” and “Hispanic” are ridiculous names that ignore nationalism. Chinese and Japanese immigrants have different histories, and Puerto Ricans couldn’t care less about Mexican-American issues.
Gay men cannot argue away the masculine/effeminate divide. It’s just something we’re going to have to live with. In fact, it’s a division that’s bigger than us. Every gay man has heard jokes about lipstick lesbians and butch dykes on bikes. They have a similar divide.
The so-called straight world is even worse. Weight gain and administrative power tend to masculinize women. Christian churches, with their constant denial of the body, feminize men. The sissy, limp-wristed family man is Christianity’s answer to the drag show.
Speaking of which, drag shows have been a source of comedy since time immemorial. Effeminate men shouldn’t complain when some people laugh at them. Drag is drag. It comes with the territory.
Some people have called the hypermasculine gay male culture a form of drag, that is, an affected behavior which tries to prove that masculine gay men are just as manly as straight ones. That’s too much of a stretch. Gay athletes and gym rats aren’t overcompensating anymore than other men are.
Masculine gay men enjoy bulking up at the gym. They enjoy improving their sports skills. They enjoy the comradery of games and workouts. The only difference is that masculine gay men appreciate the sexual side of all that male swagger.
Once in a great while, funny things happen in sports, but they mainly derive their entertainment value from competition and self-improvement. There is no comedy of gender role reversal here. Hypermasculine gay men are men’s men, not drag in any sense of the word.