On Glasses, Faces and Willingly Getting Burned Just so I Can Be Near the Fire
In a moment of brilliant clarity, I described his face as the kind that is destined to break my heart. He was asking me what I thought of his new glasses and all I could think was that I could stare into his soulful eyes for a lifetime and never get tired. I could kiss his tender full lips every second of every day and never feel the inevitable tug of familiarity.
I could see my destiny in that face and my destiny was heartache.
“Could you be any damn cuter?”
“I look like ass.”
“You look like someone who is destined to break my heart.”
“Jesus! That’s a daunting review. Are the glasses okay?
“All I meant is that it would be easy to fall for that adorable face. And the glasses look great.”
Why do we do things that we know are wrong for us? Why do I find myself pursuing this man despite the fact that every fiber of my being, with the exception of my heart (and possibly something located a little lower), tells me this it is wrong? Why does the prospect of something magical make us insane?
To begin with, he is too young for me. Here I am at the beginning of my thirties and he has just left the starting block of his twenties. He’s a student, which means odd hours and no money. He’s bound to be neurotic and emotional because he’s a musician. The artful types are never easy to deal with. He worries about everything. He refuses to believe that he’s gut-wrenchingly beautiful. He makes me crazy.
All of that goes out the window the moment I see him, however. I see him and I feel that rush of affection, a rush that is tempered with the knowledge that someday this kid is going to break my heart.
And yet, I accept that. I’m not scared to feel that ache because I know that this ache will not be like those in the past. I am going into this situation without blinders. I know the outcome and I accept it. I’m walking willingly into the fire. I’m choosing to get burned because getting burned means that I’ve at least gotten close to the fire.
And being close to that fire is the only place I want to be.
Here’s hoping that you become like The Human Torch of the Fantastic Four, and that the fire envelops you, but, does not consume or burn you! ((HUGS))
I hope he does not know you have this blog, because if he does, you have placed him unfairly in a very awk. position!
DR. SPARKY:
He may or may not know about this blog, but he most certainly knows exactly what I think of him. I have not been shy in telling him.
Tis better to have loved and lost…..
I know how you feel, though. It might not end well, but it’ll be a helluva ride!
I’ll be sending you good karma……
good luck with this
when intuition tells you ‘no’ it is usually right.
Still, it may the ’should’ statement bitching rather – so you never know unless you try.
Oh honey, go for it! IMHO the age difference is no big deal. Is he interested in pursuing this? You are probably right, especially about the moody fickle artist bit. But you are also right about the joys of being close to that fire. Go for it! And report back. Details, we want details!