On Dan, Jill and The Power of Positive Thinking

I was having dinner alone last night, working on my positive thinking skills while also working on expanding my waistline. I sat in the window of the Chipotle, downing my burrito bowl and telling myself that I am indeed attractive. Men will want me, I repeated for the hundredth time as I took a sip of my soda. In fact, I mentally noted as I wiped sour cream from my lip, someone is bound to walk by this very window and notice me.

And he did.

The man stopped directly in front of me and stared through the window. He was outside and I was inside, but in all reality we were just inches apart. He pointed his finger at me, smiled and mouthed, “I know you.”

I shook my head. This man most certainly did not know me. And I most certainly did not want this man to know me. The last time someone claimed to know me, I ended up receiving some rather unsettling news.

He nodded his head slowly and decisively and then made his way for the door of the restaurant. He was coming in for a closer look. The woman sitting a few stools down from me looked over. “He’s gonna ask you for money.”

I shook my head, feeling my forehead crinkle in confusion. “He thinks he knows me.”

And then he was upon me. He looked me dead in the eyes. “I’d recognize those chops anywhere.”

I assumed he was referring to my beard, but was so befuddled by the whole encounter that I don’t even think I responded. I simply stared back at the man, desperately trying to place where I might know him from. My mind drew a vast blank.

“You were at my brother’s birthday party two weeks ago.” His certainty was a little aggressive and I found myself thinking that maybe I had been at a birthday party two weeks ago.

“Dan.” I wasn’t sure if he was telling me that my name is Dan or if he was reminded me that his brother’s name is Dan. Either way, no bells were ringing in the old noggin.

“I’m sorry,” I finally said. “I don’t know you.”

“Yeah you do.” He was so sure of himself. “You have a girlfriend named Jill.”

And that cinched it. I certainly was not the man he thought he knew. I told him so and he turned quickly to leave, embarrassment showing on his neck and cheeks. As he reached the door, he turned back one last time. “Dude, you have a fucking twin out there.”

The woman next to me watched him go and then looked back at me. “They say we all have a twin.”

I nodded. “Then again, he was at a party. Who knows how coherent he was when he met this supposed twin.”

The woman scooped up her trash and was on her way into the night. I went back to my dinner, picking up my positive thinking exercises where I had left off. This time, however, I modified the mantra.

I am attractive and some day someone will want to talk to me because he’s interested in me and not because he thinks I’m a straight man with a girlfriend named Jill.