On Lessons, Losers and The Things I Learned as My Weekend Deteriorated into Drunken Depression

Apparently you are not supposed to make brownies with olive oil.

Two gay men alone on a couch will never be able to make it all the way through a movie without ending up naked in bed. It doesn’t matter if that’s not the best idea.

“A hole’s a hole,” and thus we should let gay people get married.

Marching in protest for civil rights and thus shutting down the streets of downtown Chicago is an exhilarating experience. Nothing beats walking with thousands of people down the middle of Michigan Avenue on a brisk November afternoon.

Participating in a chant of “Top of the Cock” during said march is not the best idea. For the record, we were simply suggesting that the protesters gather at the top of the Hancock building.

A dirty martini with blue cheese olives is my new favorite drink.

Dancing with your friends to your favorite Madonna song is simply delicious. It matters not that your favorite Madonna song was released in 1993.

Grinding on the dance floor with a coworker is only slightly uncomfortable.

Watching the greatest guy you have met in years make eyes at someone else at your birthday party is likely to make you say or do something stupid.  It’s quite easy to act like you are 15 even though you will soon be 30.

Heartbreak, no matter how real it may feel to you, is seen negatively by others as “dramatic.” What those others fail to remember (because inevitably they are in relationships) is that heartbreak is dramatic. It’s dramatic because it’s not just about that moment when you find out you are not wanted by the one you want. It’s about a history of not being wanted. It’s about the death of some small hope that things will change. It’s about wondering if you are meant to always be passed over for someone better.

Heartbreak is heightened by alcohol. Drinking more and staying out until 5:00 in the morning will not cure it.

Trying to convince someone over text message to meet you at 5:00 in the morning is never a good idea. It does not matter if he is achingly adorable. It does not matter if your heart is broken and you just want to feel connected.  It does not matter if he initiated the conversation. It’s simply not a good idea.

Sleeplessness and loss of appetite are symptoms of heartbreak.

It’s possible to stay awake for 38 consecutive hours and not go completely crazy. It’s also possible to not ingest food for 38 consecutive hours (and counting) and not die.

Being the bigger person and owning up to your feelings and mistakes may be the right thing to do. That doesn’t mean it will make you feel any better about being an absolute moronic loser.

Maudlin movies about troubled middle-aged couples may be on to something. Perhaps love really is about settling for someone who is “good enough” and choking back disgust during sex.

Unless, of course, you’d have to settle for me.