On Team McDonald’s, Team Burger King and The Turf War of the Fast Foodies

In one corner, we have Team McDonald’s, a group of elderly Eastern European men who are fans of the senior coffee and free refill. In other corner, we have Team Burger King, a coed mingling of slightly hipper elderly patrons who also enjoy the senior coffee and free refill. There is a turf war brewing (along with the senior coffees) in my neighborhood and things could get ugly.

Here in Lincoln Square, the Burger King is a mere 0.25 miles from the McDonald’s if one were driving. If one were walking, the Burger King is separated from the McDonald’s by the bank’s parking lot. Stand at the McDonald’s, throw a Big Mac and you’re liable to hit a Whopper eater right in the kisser.

Each fast food giant not only has a vaguely unique menu, but also has a gang of elderly burger lovers who congregate daily on the chipped plastic benches of the establishments. Team Burger King would not be caught dead with a Quarter Pounder in hand and Team McDonald’s thinks the BK Big Fish is just a lame imitation of the Filet-O-Fish.

Team McDonald’s spends a lot of time arguing in their gruff accented voices. They’re often pissed off at the prices of gas, food, electricity, clothes, gas, movies, newspapers, coffee and gas. Because of Team McDonald’s, there is often the distinct scent of body odor and unwashed clothing lurking under the aroma of fry grease. It’s a safe bet that Team McDonald’s consists primarily of widowers.

Team Burger King also likes to argue and complain about the prices of gas, food, electricity, clothes, gas, movies, newspapers, coffee and gas. Due to the addition of women in Team Burger King, however, there is also a lot of talk about families, churches, television and the weather. Team Burger King is a far more civilized group of fast foodies.

Each team is also obsessed with their failing health. New hips, knees, walkers and heart valves are cause for hours of in-depth conversation. And while no one would ever admit it, each time a members reappears after a long absence it is a time for silent celebration.

So far Team Burger King and Team McDonald’s have yet to clash, but a rumble is in the works. It will only take one member of Team McDonald’s to amble past Burger King with the latest and greatest walker for Team Burger King to want to take those show-off McNuggets down. These gangsters may be old, but they are fiesty.

And will all those senior coffees percolating in their systems, they’ve still got a lot of fight left in ‘em.