On Marcus, Beginnings and Part One of the Story of My Greatest Heartbreak

January 2001.

“I don’t feel so well.” He pulled himself away from his spot on the couch next to me and stood. He took a moment to catch his balance before moving off through the party, never once looking back at me. I watched him leave the house through the door in the kitchen and disappear onto the back deck.

We’d met the weekend before. I’d been locked out of my place and had headed downtown to meet my friend Kevin at Silverado. Kevin had been there with a group of people I’d never met. One of those people had been Marcus.

I stood from the couch and followed him to the deck. It was a chilly night and I was thankful for my sweater. I closed the door behind me and saw him leaning against the deck’s railing. Indeed, he did not look well.

“Do you need anything?” I asked. I was nervous. I had not dated much and was unsure of how to maneuver myself through the flirting we’d been doing into something more substantial.

“I’ve had too much to drink.” He still did not look at me.

I walked over and leaned against the railing next to him. “Do you think you’re going to be sick?”

He groaned and turned away from me. I waited a moment before deciding to go back to the party. It seemed clear that he didn’t want me around. Before I could take a step, however, he spoke. “This is so embarrassing.” He finally turned to look at me. “I told Kevin to invite you to the party because I really wanted to see you again and now I think I’m going to be sick in front of you.”

I couldn’t help but smile. I went over and put my arm around him. “Just take some deep breaths. That will help.” We stayed in the cold night until it was time to leave the party. Marcus never got sick. I never got tired of feeling my arm around him.

Anyone who would have been able to drive me back into Portland that night was too drunk to do so. After the party, we all ended up back at the house of one of Marcus’s friends. By then Marcus was feeling better and we found ourselves inseparable. The night turned into morning, and as everyone else drifted off to sleep we found ourselves lying on the floor next to the fire, talking and kissing.

It was the first time I’d ever kissed another man and really felt the passion behind it. It was the first time I’d fallen asleep next to another man and been able to sleep. It was the first time that I’d allowed myself to think that maybe I’d found someone special.

In the morning there was a lot of activity as breakfast was cooked and coffee was made and people fought the hangovers that were creeping at the edge of the day. I awoke before Marcus and pulled myself from his sleeping form, leaving him alone on the floor next to the embers of the fire. I found Kevin and made sure he’d give me a ride home.

I didn’t say much to Marcus until it was time for us all get head back to our various homes. At this point he pulled me aside and, in front of everyone, gave me a deep kiss. I pulled away and looked at him. He smiled down at me. “I just wanted you to know that last night was amazing and I didn’t spend all night with you just because I was drunk.”

I kissed him once more, knowing a good thing had certainly begun.