On Worms, Tape and Why I Can’t Scratch My Itchy Butt

My butt is itchy. It is so so itchy. But I dare not scratch it. Scratching my butt is not in the cards. If I scratch my itchy butt, I’m liable to end up with little worms living inside me. Not that they are not already there. If my butt is itching, they are there. But scratching my butt will just compound the problem.

Or maybe my butt is just itchy because I happened to catch a segment on Oprah about worms and now I am all paranoid about what could be living inside me at the moment.

The deal with the itchy butt is kind of disgusting. There are these tiny worms that can get into your body when you get their eggs on your fingers and then ingest them. They hatch on your colon and live in your body. And then your butt gets itchy.

Why does your butt get itchy? There are worms on it.

Seems the mother worms work their way out of your anus during the night and lay eggs on your butt. And these eggs are itchy. So you scratch your butt. And then you get eggs on your fingers and end up ingesting more worms.

Those little wiggly buggers are sneaky.

I’m pretty sure I don’t have worms. If I did, I’d most likely be able to see them in my poop. But if I want to be sure, I can put a piece of tape of my anus tonight and then see if there are any eggs on it in the morning.

I’m not kidding. I saw this on Oprah, and everything you see on Oprah is real.

So if your butt is itchy in the morning, you might want to find some tape and stop it up the next night. You might have worms. Or you could just have an itchy butt, in which case you should probably take a shower.

But worry not. Worms are common and all you need to do is take a pill and you’ll be all cleaned up. There’s nothing to panic about.

If you want something to panic about, panic about the tiny catfish that is attracted to urine and can wiggle into and live in your naughty bits.