On Weight, Hate and What It’s like to be a Fat Ass in the Gay Community
For the record, I know that I am fat. I know that I weigh more than I should. And I am well aware of the fact that most gay men would rather vote Republican, eat glass on a daily basis and lick Ann Coulter’s twat than be seen even talking to a fat guy.
I know all of this all too well.
What I don’t know is why people have to be such rude pigs. If you don’t like the fact that my waist is three times bigger than yours, fine. Leave me alone. Ignore me. Laugh at me behind my back and point me out to all your skinny friends if you must. But do you really have to make insulting comments to me? Is that really necessary?
I don’t point out to all the balding men at the bars who are desperately trying to hang on to the illusion that they are twenty that they are actually too old to pull off tight t-shirts from Abercrombie and Fitch. I don’t bother letting the guys with bleached hair and twigs for limbs know that they look like diseased crack addicts. Instead, I keep my opinions to myself. Or I share them with my friends. I really don’t see any point in insulting someone for no reason and making him feel worse about himself than he probably already feels.
And yet, people seem to think it is okay to try bringing me down a peg despite the fact I hit the lowest peg a very long time ago.
I was out on Friday night, minding my own business on the dance floor, when a drunken douche bag with legs bumped into me. I turned and smiled at him. Instead of smiling back, he yelled, “Get your fat ass off the dance floor, tubby!” His gaggle of scrawny cohorts burst into cackling laughter.
I wanted to shoot back an insult. I wanted to punch his meth face in until it was a bloody pulp. I wanted to wipe the floor with his pathetic faggot ass. But instead I simply walked off the dance floor and left the club. I didn’t bother to interrupt my friend and the guy he’d met to say good night. I didn’t try to defend myself. I simply decided to get my “fat ass off the dance floor.”
I walked home, fighting back tears. I knew everyone I passed on the street was looking at me and wondering why I had even bothered to leave my apartment. Fat guys are not welcome in the gay community. Drug addicts are welcome. Prissy queens who are more Barbie doll than man are welcome. But fat guys are certainly meant to stay away.
When I got home, I had an email from someone I had been chatting with online. When I had last chatted with him, he’d asked to see some pictures of me and I had sent some over. His response was so very kind. “You’re a really big guy, aren’t you?”
Yes, I’m a big guy. I’m fat. I’m not what anyone will ever want. Yes! Yes! Yes! Must you throw it in my face at every chance you get?
I live with the fat every day. It’s there when I wake up and there when I go to bed. I’ve tried to drop the weight, and I can’t. I’ve tried to be happy with my body, but I’m not. Sadly, this is who I am and I just have to live with it.
I hate it. I hate what it makes me. I hate that it means that I will never be considered attractive. I hate that it means that instead of someone coming up to me at a bar to ask my name, he will ask me to leave the dance floor.
And I hate every single person who uses it as a reason to treat me as less than human.
I know about this all too well. Vince, there ARE people out there who will see you for who you are. I found one. And we don’t really hang out in bars or clubs. When people get drunk, they sometimes get mean. And we fat guys get the brunt of it. To tell you the truth, I have never had many gay friends. I always feel self conscious around gay people. I always feel less than human, even when they are not saying anything to me. I still feel it. I have always wanted to have a group of gay friends that I could go out with and have fun with. But I don’t want to be the “fat” one. I know there is that whole “bear” culture that welcomes fat guys, but I am not really a “bear” either. So I stay away. I am really sorry this happened to you. But don’t let the comments of those people that are no way near as good as you stop you from going out and having fun. You are tremendous individual. Remember that.
Vince I would like to go punch in that rude inconsiderate douchebag with legs for you. Arrgh stuff like that makes me CRAZY.
I am so sorry you are hurting like this. I know how you feel. I used to weigh over 300 lbs before gastric bypass surgery 5 years ago. It was HELL. I didn’t even mind the risk of the surgery, I would rather have died than go on being so obese. You ARE a big guy but you don’t like grossly overweight to me. Of course i’m not a gay man either and I know some gay men are very, um, judgemental about that sort of thing.
Don’t despair. There is someone out there who will love you for “you”. I”m sure of it.
Morning, baby.
From me to you, a cyber hug. That story that you told really, really sucks. And there ain’t nothing I can say to change it.
Now, as for nobody finding you attractive, well, I know it feels like your truth right now, but it’s not THE truth. There is someone out there who will love you for you. I think you’re just as cute as can be. And I love what you show us here of your true personality.
I’ve had my share of negative gay bar experiences, and it’s true, instead of binding us as a community into one rainbow of brother- and sisterhood, as many of us as not leave a gay bar feeling more alienated than just sitting at home watching TLC. That’s because gay bars aren’t real. (You know what I mean..they are about fantasy fulfillment and eternal youth, good times, fast drugs, and rock-n-roll/cha cha.)
That kind of situation is poisonous for people trying to be real. This you know already, I’m sure.
Your body is what you are given this time around to work with. Mine betrays me at every opportunity. It has made what seems to be the love of my life look over my head (not hard to do..) in search of the next hot guy to come along. It makes people take me not-so-seriously, and it tries to keep me in my egoistic place. But honestly, it’s just flesh, and it will fade, and I’ll learn the lessons that I’m supposed to learn while being in this short, bald, soft body. And I’m gonna work it for all it’s worth while I’ve got it.
It seems like you really do, too. I’m sorry that this weekend was not fun and that it wasn’t all glitter and cumshots, like you deserve.
If you need anything, I’m around.
I had no idea. I am so very sorry….
You should have punched him in the face. I can’t believe that he, or anyone, would be that rude to you, to your face.
It is totally true, fat people are second class citizens in the gay community. Perhaps that is why the bear community is so tight knit? Either way, I think that the unhealthy “perfect” body that we, as gay men, are taught to desire, makes things much worse for us. We, who have enough issues to deal with being gay, don’t need body image issues on top of it; but alas, we as a society perpetrate it.
I am so sorry that someone was so rude to such an amazing person. I am truly offended that anyone would be that thoughtless and hateful. I am appalled that there are gay men that feel the need to oppress other gay men, especially when we are all oppressed by the general population.
I certainly hope that you will find someone who will love you for who you are, and not for what you weigh. I can’t even imagine judging someone for something as trivial as weight, and I know that if I would have even overheard that conversation you had on the dancefloor, that guy and I would have even had words.
Perhaps this is the real reason to avoid gay clubs in the first place; it is just a bunch of bitchy drugged up queens who think that they are perfect, when really, they are insecure and hurting inside.
Again, I am so sorry you had to put up with that Vince. You definitely didn’t deserve it. Just know that there are those of us out there that love you for who you are; an amazing guy.
Fat people are second class citizens in this world, not even just in the gay community (but I definitely see the harshness of your situation). Trust me, I’ve been one of them all my life. Despite being in better shape than most of the population, I’m still a pretty big girl and society doesn’t really like big girls either.
I have a couple of close gay friends, one is thin, the other not. The thin one is constantly worrying that he’s just scrawny, not attractive enough for guys, but he still does just fine. The bigger guy has such a sweet soul and would make a great partner to someone, but just closes up because he knows he doesn’t belong. It’s hard and it sucks. I admire your ability to go out dancing all the time (something I enjoy, but am embarrassed to do in public!) and just get out and enjoy life, despite the difficulties with some close-minded people.
I agree with manprano–it may feel like your truth, but it’s not the truth. Feel what you need to feel, but know there’s love out there for you.
It’s kind of funny. i spent my whole youth feeling out of place, hiding the feelings I had for other boys and thinking of was some sexual deviant of society. I always felt alone and never felt a sense of belonging anywhere.
So when I finally started dealing with my sexuality and came out, I thought I would finally be apart of a community, finally be accepted for who I was, finally feel like I belonged. How hurtful it was to be a minority in a minority…that even this community rejected me for who I was. The gay community has a LONG way to go…how dare this same community demand equality and demand not to be judged for who we are, when we horribly judge the others within our community. How can we celebrate diversity when we persecute the diverse in our own community family?
Truly sorry you were hurt so Vince. I DO know how it feels and I really feel for you my friend.
This post was amazing. I love your posts. I’m speechless about the way you were treated; I hope you know that not everyone, at least not all gay people, are like that.
OUCH! I guess I would be one of those too old to be wearing tight t-shirts from Abercrombie and Fitch. I hear that shit from my so called “friends” all the time. I don’t give a fuck about that stupid rule that gay men in their 30’s are not supposed to wear this or that. I wear it because I like the look of the t-shirt. I don’t care if people think I am too old to be wearing that. I personally like the ballcap and tight t-shirt look. I personally don’t like seeing older guys wearing flowery shirts. But that’s just my preference.
DS…
When I admitted to myself some 20 months ago that I was Gay and stepped out into the gay world, I learned real quick that it is not better than the straight world (and I suppose it shouldn’t – a human is just that…a human with failings and all). In fact, there was a spell early on where I was ashamed to even say that to myself that I was now part of the environment.
Just be yourself. And never say never when it comes to anything, including your weight. You can lose it if needed just as much as I gained weight because I desired to – controlled obviously and with routine exercise mixed in. The heck with those no goods at the club. You just worry about enjoying yourself.
If you ever need to chat, drop me an email.
i can never put myself in your shoes as i will never be a man, nor gay – sorry i like the penis – but also like being female
you have also written the gay male version of what my nights on the town are like
that said, all i can do is ((((((((HUG))))))))
that was nicely summarized.
people are insensitive but somehow more so around people who are overweight. They assume obese people a) got that way because they wanted to and b) are stupid.
Rudeness is rudeness; even if cloaked in the allegedly ’supportive’ back hand of ‘I mention it for your health’s sake”. Like they don’t know already?
Take heart, with sensible diet and willpower and exercise it can be better, really.
ALso, a beard makes you a bear and quite attractive in some circles!
Well…
I guess my question is…
Can you kiss?
I have a hunch you know how to make out.
To me that is most important.
My friends referred to the man who owned my heart for years as a “short bald guy”…
but to me he was everything.
He was a great kisser.
From one big girl to another, hugs.
Body image was the hardest thing for me to deal with when I first came out because I’m not a little twinky guy either. And I totally felt like Erik did, a minority in a minority. Stay positive and be confident with yourself. I read a great book, Now that I’m out, what do I do next” that made me realize that I wasn’t alone in the way that I was feeling. Work on your confidence. We all believe in you, you need to as well!!!! And never, never, if you can at all help it, let the bitches win!
People like that douche-bag will be dead of an overdose before the year is up anyway (God willing…)
Don’t let it get you down Hon!
((HUGS))
Vince, FYI. I hoenstly don’t know how that trackback mess works, apparently.
It’s one of those WTF stories. It’s appalling it happens to anyone. For some reason, people seem to think it’s ok to attack someone for being fat. I don’t get much of it in real life, but it happened to me one time in a chat situation. Someone saw my profile and photos, initiated the conversation, and then attacked me for being picky for a fat guy when I didn’t show interest. As if fat guys are supposed to be easy? Hell no! As for those people at the bar, someone should kick them square in the arse.
As I have regularly said, why do we continue to eat our own?
I will live to be 1000 and still not understand how a bunch of bitter queens can be such insensitive pricks and spit their venom at anything and anyone within arm’s reach.
Ignore the bunch, as I was told for years, consider the source.
I developed my own wicked and warped sense of humour to deflect it all, just so people wouldn’t see how the comments hurt like a knife to the heart, and the nights I spent crying myself to sleep. If you’ve ever met me, you’ve probably heard one of my lines, like, “I could make the Phantom of The Opera look cute on a bad night,” or “beauty is only skin deep but ugly goes right to the bone… I know, I’ve seen my own x-rays.” Yup, my own coping mechanism.
Look, don’t do what I’ve done over the years. I just shut down and built walls. I haven’t dated in over a decade. Every time I think I’d like to dip my toe in the water again, I’m reminded of all my horror stories, and I say bugger it, next year maybe. I just have no capacity to endure more plastic people.
Spare yourself the aggravation, find a social outlet away from the bars and clubs. Leave the gymbunny plastic people to their own devices. Most of them are too drug-addled to have the capacity to think before engaging their mouths, or they lack the humanity or intelligence to consider their remarks first.
Is there not enough crap that simply being gay exposes you to, that as a community we find the need to attack each other? How pathetic.
there is what we call “beauty” on the outside, and beauty on the inside, beauty on the inside, is much more important and lasting…
I suppose, some might call me “good looking” now, though I’m not model material – I wasn’t always that way, I used to be fatter until someone insulted me, I have been dieting & working out for 20 years now – like you, I’m starting to bald…
I had a very good looking friend kill himself when he started to lose his looks, because he “didn’t” have anything to offer anymore…
Attitude is everything, love yourself, as you are – that’s how I changed my life – that was the first thing I tried to do – I actually started with my feet – that was the only thing I could find attractive about myself
Bar life, seems fun – but if you look at it – is really very empty
thats why all drinking and drugs happen – because of feeling empty inside (in my opinion)
My partner, laughs at me for feeling so insecure (not in a bad way), he just finds it silly that I feel insecure, but no matter what I look like, I’m still the same me inside, wondering – do I sound like an idiot – I didn’t graduate from college, so I must not be smart enough – I can’t argue politics, etc. etc. –
Namaste
I have loved Doug from day one, and I really don’t care that he’s overweight. I would rather have him as he is than be skinny and be a totally different person. My only worry is that Doug may die young because of his weight.
I agree with you that we live in a terribly rude society. I’ve been made fun of the entire time I was growing up because I had a severe speech impediment. Most people are just rude, nasty jerks. The older I get, the more I appreciate my pets!
*hugs hugs and more hugs*
OMFG. I hate – HATE – people who are such fucking asswipes. Whether or not one is sexually attracted to someone gives them NO RIGHT to pull that high school crap. If someone had come right up to that fuckwad and thrown him to the floor, I think it would have been justified (while still being an assault, of course). And the “friends” laughing – fuck them. Everyone I’ve ever met like that I walk away from and never speak to again – they don’t deserve my time – or yours.
I’m hate that that happened to you – I have sympathies from long ago.
I’m a skinny guy and I have been my entire life. Because of being thin (as hard as it may be to believe) I can relate to being resented for my body type and being a person of color in the gay community I’ve had to deal with similar garbage from rude assholes.
I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through that. Just going by your post, you seem to be a sweet guy and you certainly don’t deserve such abuse.
Don’t let any of those fuckers hinder your progress or make you feel bad about yourself.
If they have to go trashing others then obviously they feel insecure about themselves.
I don’t know. I wish I could write something that wasn’t stupid or obvious but I just wanted to let you know that I hear what you’re saying. I feel your pain. And to hang in there.
Thanks for sharing your story. I was very moved by it.
I was made aware of this article by a friend @ MySpace… it is something I’ve loathed about the Gay community for years in that I’ve never had that “perfect” body, even when I worked out daily and fought as a mid-weight Martial Artist… there’s always been that genetic (Irish) curse of the little Buddha Belly no matter what I do or did to change that.
Today my “curse” is compounded by the fact that a.) I’m way over 40; b.) I’m in a wheelchair dealing with multiple health issues with MS being at the top of the list; and c.) I’m exceptionally outspoken when it comes to some of the extremes our community wants to embrace and support rather than recognize them for what they really are — negatives that lend serious determent to our cause.
Gay people are however “fickle” as well as finicky for the most part; we all want Brad Pit or one of the other lads of the Adonis class in our lives but forget that they are exceptions to the rules of life and not the norm.
Anyhow… expect me to be here more often. I can relate so well to what you have shared and it is nice to know that you’re not alone in such points of struggle and conflict.
Everyone else has shared that you are not alone and that, you should “consider the source ” I echo back the same sentiments. It is so sad that we are a community that eats their own way before they are close to dead. This is one of the many reasons I stopped going out . Like someone above mentioned when people are that vile and bitter it is usually issues that they have about themselves which they are lashing out about . I know that may not help much but keep it in mind.
Putting aside all those insensitive morons who treat you like shit, apparently you don’t like your body yourself, which is why every insult hurts so much more.
I really can’t tell from this distance what the cause of your weight is. Still, it’s obvious you need to get moving.
If it’s a medial condition, go see your physician. Consult a specialist. They can tell you whether there’s anything in your lifestyle you can change to make a difference.
If it’s a mental thing, go see a psychiatrist. You sound like you might develop a serious depression sometime soon if you don’t start doing something. A depression is a serious condition which needs proper treatment.
And try to do some sport. Take it easy, don’t rush to the gym and start working out like crazy. Start out with some extended walks. Check out Nordic Walking. It’s probably the most effective way to lose weight. Go find something you like. But whatever you do, start out lightly and seek your physician’s opinion before.
Whatever got you overweight, it’s not a fate. You can change it, but you need to be persistent.
I wish you success!
P.S. Don’t try to lose weight with one of those lose-weight-quickly-diets. They do more harm than good apart from the fact that most just don’t work, as you’ve figured out yourself. Seek professional advice if you feel you need to change your diet.
P.P.S. Ignore those morons insulting you.
I would rather be called a “fat guy” than the “skinny faggot meth addict” any day. Know that you are cared for, Sparks… all of us who read your blog know how great you are.
And screw the skinny faggot meth addicts. They don’t know they are missing by not knowing you.
Just remember it is always something. That doesn’t make it hurt any less, but it’s true. Someone somewhere will always have something to say. Too short, too tall, too fat, too thin. You have to try and love yourself the way you are and pay them no mind.
Gosh some people are idiots ,don’t u listen to them. I am shure you’re very good person on the inside just bigger than everyone else on the outside.There’s nothing wrong with it.
Well I got the same trouble, I really know how all that feels.I’m big & gay and screw people that don’t like me!!!