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Archive for October, 2005

On Peter, Warnings and The One Time I Came in Contact with the Ghost

Monday, October 31, 2005 10 comments

1907


It was the first day of classes, and Peter’s heart raced as he clamored up the three flights of stairs with the rest of his classmates. As young men jostled to be the first to lay eyes on their new home, laughter and insults echoed up through the crowded stairwell.

Peter fell behind and stood at a wide window that looked out over the river. The sun was bouncing off the clear water, and he had to squint in order to see a a couple of geese drift past the school. He could hardly believe his luck at having been accepted to a school on the river. He’d dreamt of its rolling waters often, but had never been this close.

“Come on! You’ll end up with a saggy mattress if you don’t hurry!”

Dropping his bag at the foot of a bed in the darkest corner of the room, Peter stood and watched as the other boys began throwing off shoes and hats. Socks were left strewn on freshly-made beds. Shirts were unbuttoned and left crumpled on the floor.

“Aren’t you coming?”

As he rushed back down the stairs he’d just ascended, Peter learned that tradition had it that first-year students were to drop their bags in the dormitory and immediately race to the river for an inaugural dip. Peter burst through the front doors of the building and followed the crowd toward the water. His arms pumped at his side, his heart echoing the motions within his chest. The river rushed closer.

The water was colder than Peter expected, and his breath caught in the middle of his chest. He kicked at the depths below him and his head burst free of the icy river. Off to his right, the rest of his classmates splashed and wrestled. Peter, wanting some time alone to soak up each moment of this day, drifted further to his left.

He quickly became acclimated to the temperature of the water. One moment he would dive as far down as possible; the next he’d emerge to a watery vision of the campus on the shore. He was like a dolphin or a trout. He was like a spirit.

He loved this place and never wanted to leave.

The cramp overtook him out of nowhere. As he leapt forward to once again dive below the surface, a pain seared through his abdomen. Forgetting where he was, Peter took in a quick breath to fight the pain. As his mouth opened, his lungs took in the cold water of the river. It made its way down his throat and its iciness became like a fire to his insides.

As he struggled for air, he twisted his body in order to find the surface. But all was dark. All was cold. There was no way to tell which way was up. He tried to calm his mind and tell himself that the river was not that deep. But the pain in his chest would not allow him a rational thought. He thought only of air. He yearned for breath. The fire in his lungs ignited his willpower. It was too late.

Peter took one last breath.

2004


“You shouldn’t mock Peter. He’s going to get you.”

That warning from earlier in the day gnawed at me as I stepped off the elevator into the dark offices. That morning two students had come by to hear the stories of Peter. We told them of the usual “hauntings” – file cabinets opening on their own, pictures shifting throughout the day. They were sufficiently spooked; our job was done.

They’d been kind enough to leave a copy of Peter’s obituary that they’d uncovered in the archives. Poor kid had drowned to death on his first day of school. Written in the early 1900s, the language of the obituary was too much for me to pass up. Donning my best cockney accent, I began to eulogize poor little Peter for all to hear.

“You shouldn’t mock Peter. He’s going to get you.”

But that was earlier. Now it was close to midnight. Everyone had gone home for the day, and I was back in the building Peter would have called home if he’d have managed to stay alive a little while longer. I was heading out of town in the morning and had forgotten a few things I needed to wrap up at the office. So here I was – alone.

I stopped by my cubicle to grab my water glass. Making my way down the long hallway to the kitchen, I couldn’t help but notice all the pictures were in perfect order. No ghosts had been down this hallway recently.

I came to the end of the hallway and turned right to make my way into the kitchen. Just as I was about to step into the room, the door shut. It swiftly swung closed, banging shut a few inches from my face.

I froze.

The kitchen door was never closed. I quickly ran through all of the possible scenarios for how this could have happened. It merely swung shut? No – the door is too heavy to move on its own. The wind did it? No – it was a still summer night.

Before I could think about it, I grabbed the handle and tried to open the door. It was locked. The kitchen door was never locked. In fact, I wasn’t even sure if there was even a lock installed on the door.

Only one thing made sense. Someone or something had closed the door. Someone or something did not want me in the kitchen. Someone or something wanted to make sure I knew he was still around.

Suddenly aware that I was alone in a haunted building in the middle of the night, I backed away from the door and rushed down the hall. I dropped my glass on the first desk I saw and made my way to the elevator. Work or not, nothing was going to keep my in that building. Five beeps on the elevator and I was safely on the ground floor. Twenty-seven steps and I was outside. Another eighteen brought me to my car.

As I sped off, I looked to the river and thought of Peter. The boy who had loved the river had died there. The boy who had loved this school would never leave. Somewhere above he was watching me flee the campus in childish fear.

I would never forget that sometimes ghost stories are more than just stories.

Categories: Memories, Outside the Box

On Inspiration, Chillins and Holding Your Applause Until the Bitter End

Friday, October 28, 2005 10 comments

I was staring at the computer wondering what I could write that would inspire more than three lousy comments when I decided to peruse the web for inspiration. I found myself at Mia Spiral’s site, and in the process found inspiration.

Well, not so much inspiration as another meme.

That’s correct, chillins. Daddy’s been tagged with another meme, and the code dictates he must oblige. So here we go again. Please hold all applause until the end.

1. What is your occupation?
If you were to ask me, I’d classify myself as a modern day slave. If you asked my co-workers, they’d probablly concur. If you asked my superiors, they’d wonder who the heck Vince is.

2. What color is your underwear right now?
If you must know, you must peek.

3. What are you listening to right now?
My neighbor clomping around his apartment. Little does he know that he has only a few hours left to live. But if anyone asks, you didn’t read that here.

4. What was the last thing you ate?
One of my yummy tonsil curds.

5. Do you wish on stars?
Only on a select few – Madonna, Anastacia and Gary Coleman.

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Whichever is the most used and abused, Baby.

7. How is the weather right now?
Find out for yourself.

8. Last person you spoke to on the phone?
I’d tell you, but I’m not allowed to mention his name here.

9. How old are you today?
I’m 26. But you may need to ask me again tomorrow for verification.

10. Favorite drink?
Vodka – straight, cold and deadly.

11. Favorite sport to watch?
I’m down for a good old-fashioned cat fight every now and again.

12. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Why? Does it look unnatural to you?

13. Do you wear contacts or glasses?
Picture’s in the top right corner. I think the answer is obvious. But how do you answer this question if you wear neither?

14. Pets?
Not if I can help it.

15. Favorite month?
Not March, May, July or October. I find ides that land on the 15th to be very creepy.

16. Favorite food?
I’m not sure, but I’ll let you know when I get back from eating myself silly in Chicago.

17. What was the last movie you watched?
Does Madonna’s new video count? If not, I’ll have to really search the memory banks for this one. It’s been a slow movie year for me.

18. Favorite Day of Year?
Whatever day my tax return comes in.

19. What do you do to vent anger?
Plot the death of my neighbor.

20. What was your favorite toy as a child?
Define “child.”

21. Fall or Spring?
Why not have both? Let’s here it for Sprall!

22. Hugs or kisses?
Screw that! Let’s get to the good stuff!

23. Cherry or Blueberry?
Boysenberry.

24. Living arrangements?
I seem to be doing fine despite the weight issues and bunions. But thanks for asking.

25. When was the last time you cried?
Never. Men don’t cry. Duh.

26. What is on the floor of your closet?
I’m not sure. I can’t find it.

27. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
Pete. We met last Thursday. I have friend issues.

28. What did you do last night?
Ate a hamburger with an egg on it and then tossed and turned all night because it gave me terrible gas.

29. Favorite smell?
Terrible gas.

30. What or who inspires you?
These darned memes, of course.

31. What are you afraid of?
That my plot to kill the neighbor will be exposed.

32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
Spicy? Where are you buying your burgers?

33. Favorite car?
Free and fast. Watch out!

34. Favorite dog breed?
Is there a breed that never barks, sheds, eats or poops? That would be my favorite.

35. Number of keys on your key ring?
More than I actually need.

36. How many states have you lived in?
Eight – California, Oregon, Confusion, Happiness, Depression, Clarity, Ecstasy and Grace.

You may now applaud.

Categories: Outside the Box

On Emotions, Brats and Wishing I Could Throw Jim Off of Thunder Mountain

Thursday, October 27, 2005 5 comments

I am feeling two very distinct emotions at the moment.

The first is jealousy. I just got off the phone with my mom, and she informed me that my whole family is currently in Los Angeles. My whole family, that is, except for me. They will be there until Sunday and will spend their time at Disneyland, Knott’s Berry Farm and any other fun tourist attraction they can manage to squeeze into their busy schedule. Now, I’ve never been a huge fan of family togetherness (especially as I’ve gotten older and grown to realize I’m related to a bunch of nuts), but the little kid inside me is tugging at my heart as if to say, “Remember those fun family vacations to Disneyland? Remember being scared to ride the Matterhorn with Dad? Remember making Mom sick on the Mad Tea Party spinning teacups? Well, they’re doing it all again . . . without you.”

I hate that little brat.

The second emotion I’m feeling is rage. The Apprentice: Martha Stewart just ended, and that little weasel Jim managed to eek out a win despite being a pompous, brain-dead snake. I just see that oily skunk during the opening credits and I want to spit at my TV screen. I was literally out of my seat screaming at the television in order to make him lose. But in the end his team pulled ahead, and he got to once again don that smug little grin of his. I just pray for the day someone wipes that grin off his ugly face.

I really hate that little brat.

On Soup, Dimetapp and the Miracle Cure for Anything that Ails You

Wednesday, October 26, 2005 8 comments

I have some rather devastating news for a lot of people. If you are standing, you may want to sit down. If you are already seated, try finding a soft place to break your fall. This is going to be big.

Ready? Take a deep breath. Hold it for three. Now, exhale.

Chicken soup has no medicinal properties.


Contrary to what every elderly woman in your family has ever said, chicken soup will not keep you from getting sick. And if you are already sick, it sure as heck isn’t going to cure you. As nutritious and delicious as the stuff is, it’s just not cut out to take on the Avian Bird Flu.

And don’t even get me started on what it can’t do for your soul.

Somewhere along the line some chicken farmer decided to spread the word that making soup from his livestock would cure the sick. While his claims didn’t exactly make him the next Jesus, they sure did catch on like the sniffles in a kindergarten class. But the time has finally come to set the record straight.

Chicken soup has no medicinal properties.

Sure, it feels great to sit down with a huge bowl of piping hot soup when you are feeling under the weather. It warms your chilled insides and makes you feel all cozy and loved. But it’s no penicillin pill or spoonful of Dimetapp. Sorry, but it’s just not.

Echinacea, on the other hand, will cure anything that ails you.

Categories: Social Commentary

On Cheetos, UPN and Embracing the White Trash Sloth Inside

Tuesday, October 25, 2005 10 comments

I had canned soup and Cheetos for dinner last night. As I licked the orange powder off my fingers, I realized I probably had eaten the same exact dinner as Britney Spears. This did not make me feel any better about my choice of cuisine.

There are just some days when I can’t help but be a white trash slob. After a minimally hard day at the cube farm, sometimes it just feels good to throw on the oversized pajama pants, eat crap and watch bad TV on UPN.

 

Not that Girlfriends is in any way bad TV. One on One – yes. Girlfriends – oh, hell nah!

Considering this laziness is following a weekend of pure slothfulness, however, I’m tempted to feel a tad ashamed of myself. But at the end of the day, we need to embrace who we are. And I am choosing to embrace the lethargic slug deep inside.

I was so lazy, in fact, that I didn’t even have the gumption to write a halfway decent blog entry for today. For that I deserve to be tarred and feathered.

But in the meantime, excuse me as I belch, scratch and dig up some breakfast.

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