On Gumby, Goatees and Meaningless Sex

I found out this weekend that I’m not stocky. Which blows, because I like to think of myself as stocky. It’s kind of my last hold on self-dignity before I find myself in the fat category. However, I learned that my being stocky would apparently imply that I am muscular. And for those who have seen me in the last twenty-six years, you know I’m about as muscular as Gumby.

If only I were as thin and pliable.

On top of finding this out, I made a fool of myself in front of Hot Neighbor Boy. Looks like doing the laundry will take on a whole new sense of adventure over the next few weeks.

On the bright side, I came up with an idea to make life easier for single people all over the world. I’ve decided that anyone working in costumer service (bankers, supermarket cashiers, tall Starbucks baristas with goatees and delicious senses of humor, etc.) should have to wear a badge that denotes pertinent information about his or her romantic situation (age, sexual preference, availability, etc). This would make it much easier to risk flirting over a latte order. If you knew for certain that the sexy Fred Meyer cashier with the dorky glasses was gay and single, you might be right in thinking his friendly banter was flirtatious. And you could respond accordingly. And ask him to coffee. And make the tall Starbucks barista with a goatee and delicious sense of humor (whom you’d now know to also be gay and single) jealous.

But in case my badge ideas fall through, I have another solution for single people all over the world. Go and see Closer. It’s a great movie that is sure to make you feel disturbingly satisfied about not having to deal with the emotional warfare and sexual politics of romantic relationships. Be warned, however, it may also leave you with the overwhelming urge to find the nearest strip club and indulge in some meaningless sex. Which wouldn’t be so bad, would it?

Unless you have to do your laundry in the same basement as Mister Meaningless.